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Shavua Tov: Creation Mad-Lib (Multiple Choice Edition)

Who was that (masked man/earth creature/couple)? I read about (him/her/them) just yesterday after rolling the Torah Scroll from ending to beginning on (Simchat Torah/2nd day of Shemini Atzeret/2nd day of the 8th day of a 7 day holiday). During those beginning (six days/14 billion years), God, apparently in consultation with (angels/Holy Spirit/animals), determined to (create/form/evolve) a new species out of (God’s image/breath/duct ape). God used (clay/dust/dirt) of (red/yellow/brown) and (created/formed/evolved) the (earth creature/species/conjoined couple/Adam and the future demon Lilith) in God’s (image/likeness/gender), creating (him/her/them) as (male and female/androgynous/non-binary) , as God (was/is/will ever be). The purpose of the (man/earth creature/androgynous) was to be (fruitful/fill the earth/subdue the earth/serve and protect the earth). God (blessed/cursed/transmitted karma), (him/her/them) (before/after/during) the moment when the (snake/woman/man) (deviated from/fulfilled) God’s (express/surreptitious) order (not to/ahhh, make your own choices) (touch/eat) the fruit of the tree of (life/knowledge) .

The first two chapters of Genesis present (divergent/harmonious) creation (myths/truths/political talking points). The first chapter presents intentionality, harmony, a sequence of (creation/evolution/spitballing) in a (rising/descending) hierarchy. God blesses the animals on the (5th day/13 billionth year) and commands them to be fruitful and multiply, only a (day/1000 years/geological epoch) before conferring the same upon the (humans/neanderthals/denisovans) in their place of origin: (Africa/Iraq/Iowa). The second chapter presents a (single/divorced/conjoined) (man/non-binary) who cannot find (his/her/their) (opposite/reflective/counterbalancing) helpmeet, even after naming all the animals that God (created/formed/stoner experimented) (before/after) (him/her/them).

So God put (him/her/them) to sleep, and (created/surgically separated) the (earth creature/man/androgynous) into two, using the (rib/last nerve) of the original. One looked at the other and named her “woman,” recognizing “this is the flesh of my flesh and the blood of my blood.” Apparently, the earth creature himself was never named. And so we have an explanation of (how/why) we humans were (created/formed/evolved).

Confused? Yeah, me too. If God really (wrote/spoke/outsourced) this, then God is (lying/confused/smarter than the average bear). I’m going with “smarter than the average bear,” (despite/because of) the (garbled thinking/competing narratives/strategic ambiguity). As someone who has spent his life (seeking/evading/friending) God, I have (struggled/not really) to (figure out/deduce/fantasize) what really (happened/didn’t happen) and why.

Perhaps that is the (purpose/unintended consequence) of (this/these) (ambiguous/crystal clear) (narrative/narratives/bubbeh meiseh). The task is left to me, the individual, to determine the origin and purpose of creation and my species’ role in it. In order to (facilitate/obstruct) a similar process for you, the (reader/ignorer/you moved on before getting this far), I have (conceived/ambien-typed) this multiple choice exercise for you. Please feel free to choose (one/more than one/all/none) of the underlined examples above, and I am (confident/no, not really) you will come to a deeper (understanding/confusion) over how you (fit in/never fit in) to this (random/perfectly ordered/hybrid) (universe/multiverse/parasitic matrix).

(You’re welcome/I apologize). Shavua Tov.


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